I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
