You just made me feel so damn special
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
