you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
