Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
