Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
