What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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