I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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