your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
