I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
