Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
