I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
