At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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