I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
