Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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