there's paper in my vomit.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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