you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
