I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Welp...herpes.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
