When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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