Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize