he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize