I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
