He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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