I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
