I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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