She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
