In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He passed out mid-signature
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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