it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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