i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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