Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
