No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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