I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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