im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
