I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
