Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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