i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
