it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
