I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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