Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
