Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
