I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize