Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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