I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
