You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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