we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
