Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
