I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
