People in love make me want to vomit
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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