one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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