whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
