He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
