a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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