No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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