a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
someone owes me an orgasm
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
