Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Randomize
