Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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