Non-Jews are for practice
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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