At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i think i just lost a toe
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
