I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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