Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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