At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
