the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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